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Consent in BDSM Play: A Video Tutorial by Tawney Seren

BDSM is a fun and thrilling way to explore your sexuality but it's important to follow some basic yet critical rules. Learn the basics of being safe, sane, and consensual in your BDSM play with Naughty Betty's own expert Tawney Seren. 

About Tawney:

Tawney Seren is an author, adult industry assistant/guide, reviewer, and avid reader who loves educating others and herself about the big world of sex. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her husband and doggo in the Pacific Northwest, writing to-do lists, tackling new projects, and watching re-runs of her favorite shows. You can find her blogging at openbobsbb.com

Consent in BDSM Play Video Transcript

Hey everybody its Tawney Seren with Naughty Betty’s and today I want to talk about some consent in BDSM.

The world of BDSM knows safe staying and consensual. What does this mean? Safe means that you are ensuring that your partner does not get incredibly hurt. You're not doing something that is going to be bad for their health. You care for them and if it is safe for them.

Part of that is being able to use a safe word, making sure that you are not intoxicated, making sure that it is something that isn't so wild it is going to put you in danger. Keep it sane, and most importantly, keep it consensual.

Consent 101. We know that consent is key. We know it can be retracted at any point in time if you don't feel good but unfortunately in the world of BDSM a lot of those who are just getting introduced into BDSM don't believe that this is the case.

For instance, if you aren't familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey, if you've watched the movie or read the books, you can find that this is an incredibly sexy little story. Unfortunately, there's one key thing in the movie and in the book that should never be followed or idolized or something that people should assume is normal when they're getting into BDSM and that is the lack of consent.

There is a point where a safe word is used and it is not honored, there is a point where someone's unsure and they're pushed past their limits. In BDSM it's so important to be safe, to be sane, and to be consensual.

Now why is that even more important in BDSM - to understand the power of safe words and consent? It's because BDSM can sometimes take you to places in your mind and your body that you wouldn't normally go.

Whether that's with sensation play, whether that's with role-playing, whether that's with just that basic dominant and submissive sort of mindset that you enter into. Both sides need it equally but it's important to understand that if you are the submissive you might be a bit shy about saying “No stop.  I'm not so sure. That's a soft no for me versus a hard no. Let's tread carefully.” Things of that nature need to be taken into account because when you are in a submissive mindset, it can be a lot more difficult to speak up to your dominant but you should be able to trust that you can and they will honor it. Otherwise I do not recommend getting into the sexual interaction that you're about to with that person.

This is about your dominant simply really worshiping you when they are doing these things to you. It is knowing that you love them. It's knowing that they are going to take your safety into account and also the safety of your mind and the ability to take your words and make them into action: one of those words being no, stop, enough - whatever safe word you have come to have with your dominant.

So, let's talk a little bit more about that safe sane and consensual. It was safe. What do we mean by safe? I mean that you're not actually putting somebody in major harm. They're not at risk of dying. You're not doing something so extreme that it is deemed unsafe. When you are spanking, when you're doing pain play, it is done in a way where you have worked very slowly with your partner to achieve the level of pain or the level of play that you are now currently doing.

That's why it's incredibly important to have a safe word. Something that you can say at any moment where all things cease. You have control of your consent at all times. It has been discussed with your partner. It has been implemented. At any point you should be able to say “no” and “stop,” even if it's something you've done a million times before. It's about respect. It's about consent. 

We all should be able to have the power to say it and not be embarrassed, not be afraid. Your partner should never make you feel bad about backing out of something you don't feel comfortable with.

So, keep it sane. That would mean essentially that you're going to want to keep this within the realm of sanity. If you are incredibly intoxicated or high or whatever the case, you should not embark in extreme play with your partner.

It's the same outside of BDSM. If somebody is too drunk to tell you yes, it means no. It's very important. Even if your partner for 30 years goes out to the bar with you and you know you guys are going to get laid and have that fun, and you go in with that intention and they get too drunk that they cannot say a safe word or they cannot give you consent, it's not consensual. It doesn't matter what your relationship is. That always has to be honored.

 And then of course consent is all encompassing here. So how do we start with consent. How do we have that discussion with our partners in BDSM?

BDSM is a wonderful, huge community and one of the things that they preach is that communication is very very key. So, before you take your clothes off, before you have that fun with your partner, make sure that you have discussions about things that are hard no’s to you: things that you never want to do that they should never do to you. Things that are soft no’s: perhaps things that you're like I don't think I'd like that but maybe I'll be open to trying it if I feel like I'm in a safe position to do so, if I feel like consent is something I want to give you for that act. And things that are of course yeses.

Always keep in mind that despite having this conversation, despite giving yourself a safe word that you can use with your partner and having that kind of agreement. it can be taken away at any point in time.

There are a lot of days where I feel like I really want to get into this role play or this pain play or this whatever and then that first spank comes or you know it is or that toy is brought out and I'm like “oh no there's something inside of me that doesn't want to do this right now. I don't feel like I'm in the right mental place. I don't feel like I want that anymore.” And all I've got to do is say “Actually no. “No further discussion needs to be had. No is a no and that's the end of the discussion.

Perhaps if you feel like you would like to discuss it further with your partner, you should feel like you're in a safe position to do so. Do you feel like you need to give them an explanation? That's up to you but it should never be something that your partner seeks after. “Why why why is it?”

“No because I said so. Because my body is not interested in it. Because my mind is not ready for it.”  

Consent is so so important and in the world of BDSM, like I said before, where you're entering different stages of mind whether it be roleplay, whether it be subspace, whether it be pain play, sensory play, all of this morph together. The basic dominant and submissive play that you're doing it can take a huge toll on your body and mind. You could be put into a place where you don't feel like you are even able to verbalize something which is why I also recommend, on top of having a safe word, on top of having a lot of communication with your partner, on top of them being able to understand no means no, to also have a non-verbal cue.

 

There are some situations where people are not able to verbalize what they want or they do not know how, or they are in a position in BDSM where they cannot speak, or they are so in subspace that they've got a hard time understanding what's okay what's not. And when you get to that point, it's very difficult to say stop. When you reach a point where things have been pushed a little too far for you, whatever that case may be, I recommend having a non-verbal cue.

So, with Kyle and I we have a safe word. We have, of course, knowing no means no unless we have previously discussed that is going to be part of a role play. But I also have a kind of tap out sort of motion that I'm able to do if I'm out of breath, if I have a gag in, if I am in some way unable to communicate verbally that I am done, or that I need things to cease. Keep that non-verbal cue.

Plus, this is great for again those that have a hard time just saying it. Sometimes it's very hard to take cues from somebody. They're very subtle, they're very soft. When you have a non-verbal cue that just means it's ending right then and there, that can be really comforting for somebody that's in that position.

So, whether you are just now embarking in the world of BDSM, whether it be that you have seen it on TV, that you've read about it in a book, or your friends, or you're just curious. Whatever the case, welcome. It's a beautiful, wonderful world. There's so many different toys and actions and things that you can do to bring new bits of new a pleasure into your life with yourself, with your partner.

But or whether you're a seasoned player and you just need a gentle reminder that consent is key, it is always something to keep in mind. Whether you are partaking in BDSM or in your normal everyday relationships, consent can always be retracted. It is something you should always have.

Communication is key: non-verbal and verbal, so make sure that you've got that so you can keep it safe, keep it sane, keep it consensual, and have so so much fun.

We here at Naughty Betty's cannot wait to show you some amazing different things you can bring into BDSM relationship and some advice that you can use along the way so make sure to click like and and come join us. Thank you again so much. This is Tawney Seren and I really look forward to chatting with you very soon